From Hurt and Helpless to Loved and Leading

The Reformed Church in America’s women’s transformation and leadership ministry encourages, equips, and empowers women in ministry and celebrates “She Is Called” stories. These are stories of women leaning into their God-given gifts and courageously following God’s calling on their lives. This is one such story of two women on the move, in the movement of the Holy Spirit.

Kristi’s Story

My pastor, Suzanne Vogel, and I met for lunch this past December—but it was not just any ordinary December day. It was my birthday! Over the years, birthdays have not been anything special, and I normally do not draw attention to them. However, after the past two years, there were many reasons to celebrate life.

My past holds a lot of hurt, and I live with anxiety and depression. I grew up in church and had served in a variety of capacities until 2010 when I stepped away from church. I had been living and serving from behind a mask, which eventually wore me down. Pretending was exhausting, but I just knew I could not let anyone know the “real” me. The only option I could see was to pull away. While I was pulling away, God was still working. He met me where I was, protected me, and led me on a healing journey. On this path, I met people and had experiences that have influenced my life and my relationship with God—one of which is Suzanne. I had no idea how God was going to use our relationship to alter the course of my life.

In 2016, I learned of The Bridge and summoned the courage to step inside. There, I was welcomed and could feel the warmth of the Spirit. I joined in 2017, but attempted to stay in the background as much as possible. It was a lonely existence, and I felt trapped in its darkness. Over the years, Suzanne—lead pastor of The Bridge—and I interacted with one another, but it was not until March 2023 when our relationship became intentional.

I had reached a point where I felt hopeless and helpless. I met with Suzanne and shared with her my plan to end my life. I believed I was too broken and bruised—that I had no purpose. My past and depression were a yoke around my neck. Being at this breaking point was the first time my mask had been removed in a church setting. I anticipated being rejected or turned away. Instead, I was accepted as-is—lost, confused, and depressed. Suzanne met me with compassion and grace. She saw something in me and followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit to come alongside me.

Suzanne has walked with me through the pain of the past, exposing me to direct discipleship and teaching me how it can look to be an extension of God—to see and value a lost individual. She has encouraged and challenged me to experience and trust God. As a valued mentor, she has played an important role in stretching my faith and putting it into action. Through our relationship, the Spirit gave me hope when I had none, and belief in a future of redemption and restoration.

Related: One pastor’s method of mentoring involves ping-pong

Since then, my relationship with God has matured and deepened. I stepped into servant leadership through Bible studies, writing devotionals, mentoring other women in the church, and serving as a pastoral care elder.

Today, we are rejoicing in where God is leading me, which brings us full circle to my birthday. I have chosen to live into the call to seminary—something I never would have awakened to without Suzanne’s guidance and love through listening to the Spirit. At my birthday lunch, Suzanne gifted me a beautiful necklace created through the “She Is Called” initiative (within the RCA’s women’s transformation and leadership ministry). The necklace represents the belief Suzanne holds in and with me that I am called. It is a piece of her to carry forward with me as I follow God, and a tangible reminder to ground me when doubt and fear creep in.

Related Bible study: Deborah: Embracing God’s call

Pictured above: Suzanne (left) and Kristi (right), wearing the necklace Suzanne gave her as a tangible sign of her God-given calling.

Suzanne’s Story

It is a rare gift when people choose to let down their guard and let someone into the real spaces in their lives. I remember clearly the day Kristi chose to let me into that sacred space. Her courage was tangible. I know she expected me to recoil from the depression and hopelessness she was experiencing, but having walked my own road of darkness and healing, all I could think about was how wildly she was loved by God.

As we started meeting together, over and over I watched God pursue her with healing and truth. She kept showing up and saying to God, “I am the Lord’s servant,” with much the same heart as Mary exhibited when visited by the angel. And like Elizabeth, I think God gave me eyes to see the ways Kristi was carrying the presence of Jesus. It was so fun to encourage her, affirming her belovedness and call.

Related Bible study: Elizabeth and Mary: Called to Encourage

Needless to say, I was not shocked when Kristi began to tentatively speak of feeling called to go to seminary. For months I had been praying that she would be able to recognize God’s call on her life and have the confidence and courage to step into it. So that day when we celebrated her birthday, I knew exactly what I wanted to give her: the necklace I had received from the “She Is Called” ministry. It was a tangible sign of beauty and call, meant to be passed to another woman stepping into her own call. I’m so grateful for the Reformed Church in America’s commitment to women’s transformation and leadership, and that I can be part of this legacy of leadership!